Sometimes I sit and stare at this computer screen and I am completely overwhelmed. My heart is full of a whole range of feelings. That is what this fall brought upon us. My children are blessed to be able to go to in person school which is not the norm in our corner of the country. Most students are in virtual school. The oldest is in high school two hours a day. There are no sports or extracurricular activities right now and barely any school events. It is the bare bones of school instruction with masks and face shields, social distancing and lots of sanitizing. Don't get me wrong--I am thankful. When school started in September, I would take whatever they offered. But I am not going to pretend I am not grieving the extras.
I am grateful I have a full time job. It is not anything like being a teacher last year in my own classroom. So much has changed that I feel like I am navigating through new territory and figuring out a new normal every single day. I am also grieving what I once had and may not have for awhile.
I never would have dreamed the challenges of leading a church during a pandemic and watching my husband navigate through each one. At the end of the summer my daughter said she was sick of hearing the phrase, "We're all in this together" because she witnessed one too many divisions. That has crept into the church as well.
Sometimes we are functioning with a skeleton crew and it reminds me of the days of the mid 2000s when we moved here and there were many volunteer needs. I am wearing the hats of middle school youth group leader, nursery team member, and singing on the praise team (which I have not done since 2004). Yet I think God fills us with strength when we need it and calls us to opportunities in the short term or long term. When I see the sixteen energetic and eager middle schoolers file into the fellowship hall, I remember that calling. These are the times I don't feel weighed down by COVID 19.
One thing I keep doing through all this is I run. In the last eight months I have run through anger, pain, frustration, and yet joy too. I have cried while I am running. I have given thanks to God. I have expressed my anger. Some of my runs are a way for me to work out my feelings.
I am grateful I can run. Because sometimes I do not know what else to do. Something so simple as putting one foot in front of the other, basking in God's creation, and hoping for an end to this draining pandemic is what I can do. I will keep doing it. Even though my gym is probably going to close yet again...and more things sadly seem to be shutting down around me...I will still run.
