I don’t think I will ever forget the morning of Thursday, March 12th, 2020. It began as a chaotic week and came to a screeching halt. I woke up that morning tired from the events of the week and longing for the weekend. Rob was in the kitchen and had that familiar look of concern in his eyes when something intense is about to happen.
He said, “I think we need to come to the reality that our daughter's mission trip to Mexico is going to be cancelled.” My heart sank and my first reaction was denial. I said to him “I cannot deal with this right now.” Rob went on to say that schools were probably going to shut down and I would resort to working from home. I know he was thinking about what this would look like for our church. I could not wrap my mind around it. I had not paid much attention to the news that week as I had been very busy at work. I was unaware of the severity of this virus.
That is why it felt like a doomsday. We started the day at work taking kid’s temperatures when they came into school. They had to wash their hands immediately. We had never done this before. Several children and staff were out sick. We might have been dealing with COVID-19 in our own workplace.
We were all checking our phone and emails throughout the day. We began to witness cancellations, closures, and warnings about how bad this was going to get. In our minds, we thought this would be a couple weeks or maybe a month interruption. We had no idea the prolonged months of this pandemic and the impact it would have on us.
Our daughter's trip was cancelled. This was the event from that day that broke my heart the most. Now nine months later, I still feel pain in the pit of my stomach and get choked up when I think about this loss. When I got home from work, I saw my three children sitting together on the couch. We had a simple Mc Donalds dinner because nobody felt like cooking. We were trying to process what had happened and how our lives were going to change. There was much at that point we did not know.
For myself, as for many the cancellations have been the most heart breaking. Our daughter's mission trip. My other daughter's literature competition and soccer season. We were grateful this fall she was able to take a theatre class that was supposed to have a video presentation. It felt normal again bringing her theatre class and seeing her face light up with this new opportunity. Then, that too got cancelled right before Thanksgiving with the new "pause" in place that cancelled gatherings. My son had hoped to run track and play basketball. It was difficult during the quarantine for him not to see his friends. Rob travels internationally at least twice a year training indigenous pastors. He had to cancel all his trips. There is uncertainty about when he will be able to go back to the Philippines or Ukraine and continue the work he was a part of previously.
Secondly it has been navigating through new territory that has been trying...and frustrating at times. Leading a church through a pandemic is new territory. Many decisions have to be made almost weekly. There are always people on both sides of the decision and it is impossible to please everyone. There is always someone disappointed. Due to a wide spectrum of comfort levels, people needing to quarantine or worse dealing with COVID-19 themselves, the regular volunteer pool has shrunk. Some people including myself are doing double sometimes triple duty Sunday mornings.
Lastly I think there is unresolved grief at least for myself. Last year was my first year of teaching preschool and I feel like I never got to say good-bye to my preschoolers. We had a Zoom party and I was able to say good-bye to some in person. The school year felt unfinished. Every time I substitute teach in my former classroom, a part of me grieves. It is getting easier and it helps that the current teachers are wonderful. I am in a float position this year that did not even exist prior to COVID-19. It allows less people in the classroom and creates small stable groups. Somedays I feel like I went backwards to my previous assistant role.
Routines, traditions, and holidays had to change and be downsized significantly. Easter Sunday was one of my darkest days during this pandemic and I felt in a state of grief the whole day. Normally this is a day of rejoicing, but I could not get there. Fourth of July felt almost normal despite no downtown fireworks and the parade. Halloween was actually enjoyable even with the trick or treating brief and short. The holidays already have a different feel to it, but in many ways we have gotten used to changes.
One of the catch phrases at the beginning of this pandemic is “We’re all in this together.” Maybe it felt like this at the initial start of the pandemic. The funny COVID memes, the toilet paper jokes, and the mutual encouragement was welcomed. The further we move into this world changing event, many of us feel division. Divisiveness about wearing a mask or not wearing one. Reopening or remaining closed. In person or virtual school. The election made it worse. Racial tensions in many areas of the country did not help. The suicide rate is up and I worry often about people's mental states. There are many people who don't feel a togetherness, but feel more lonely than ever.
I continue to pray for an end to this pandemic and I will continue to do so. I am hopeful God hears our prayers and will deliver us from it in his time.
For what is worth this is my own piece of advice...
Don't be afraid to call or text someone God puts on your heart. If that person is on your mind, God might have a reason for that. Check in on him or her. Don't be afraid to express your feelings whatever they are to someone you can trust. We were never meant to carry all this alone. God made us for relationships.
If you are walking in a dark place, please seek help. Tomorrow is a new day. I cannot promise it is going to be any better than today. I do know God's mercies are new every single morning. When you feel like you do not have the willpower to walk through another day of this (and I've been there), know that God goes before you. His strength will fill you. When we are weak, He is strong.
